In a moments know-tice~

Knowing. The unforeseen gifts of reality. All in a moment’s notice. Everything changes and in hindsight you see it was all unfolding as it was meant to. I could have looked at it as unraveling, fortunately, I see life differently opposed to misfortune I see opportunity in the midst of quicksand.  I will not change that viewpoint for anyone or anything. That is my legacy I live. I have had endless rich experiences of a pauper mindset. I was on the precipice of change, when suddenly and honestly not so suddenly, a free fall occurred. My parachute at the time , would become an unlikely source, reliance on a belief in myself.  I was so in denial about what I was feeling to be scared.  That was an enormous gift. I returned home from vacation to receive a letter in the mail. Yes. In the mail. I was terminated  from my position at a place I had worked for over twenty-five years.  My first thought was relief.  It had been an ongoing struggle of ruthless attacks on my character. I was tired of defending myself.  It was time, little did I understand the concept of really letting go. I gave myself the opportunity to look deeper within, which in retrospect was a well hidden depression. I hadn’t a notion of what I was feeling, I was a caveat of emotions and I worked  feverishly to keep them upbeat. Months would pass and fortunately for me, I had always saved for a rainy day.  I had put twenty percent of my income into my future, my goal, to retire as a millionaire. My definition of success.  I had also, beyond that, carefully put income into a retirement plan. I was set. So I thought. Still pretending I wasn’t in a crocodile roll. I  started using the nest egg. Nothing major was happening to me that wasn’t occurring all over the country. Still, the denial of no worries.  Easy come, Easy go is such a lie. My career was an easy foot inside the door, working to my alleged achievement was not. Letting go has been a mini-series and a long drawn out saga. Epic in my own mind. All this fortune in the “Mis”.  All would slowly dwindle away in the financial part of my life, There was no longer the availability to tighten the purse strings of my affluent designer bags.  My grace would come in the form of a complete release of who I thought I was and who I actually am,  It would eventually unfold with the illusion of shattered dreams. Sometimes life can be cruel, in the midst of that though, you find you will awaken to a place within yourself and trust that your faith can move you forward. For most of my life I searched for a place to call my own. the reality of that is, nothing and I mean nothing belongs to me, not even me. I am but a servant. Who I serve is whomever the creator puts in front of me. Knowing that in this moment is enough.

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