It happens. My Dad, use to say, “If you’re so happy, why don’t you tell it to your face?” Always funny when he was making a quip at someone else. When directed towards me, wow, “put the burn.” He was very quick-witted and just plain funny. I am my father’s daughter indeed. Once swift to form an opinion and sudden to feel badly for that shortcoming and so slow on the withdrawal. Oh, I would spend endless hours with him, sometimes by choice, other times because I am his namesake. He was tall, dark and handsome, charismatic, and just bigger than life. He was my magnet. It has always lead back to Daddy. I can wish all I want to be like my mother, for she was the presence of the creator in human form. Grace in motion, Wind-walker personified. It was to high a mountain to climb to be gentle like she was. So my heart, happiness and passion belonged to my Dad. The absolute of it all. I watched his every move, with her, her every breath. I can, to this day be so still and in my head, he will lead me. Now, finally I find myself at another awareness, letting go, yet again. Am I really a product of my environment? Or is that a way of absolving my actions. My truth is this until I let go and let Glenda, I am stuck in being like Glen and not authentic me. Today, my inclination was just to get out and run until I could hardly breathe. I embraced an old hurt in GrandKit form. It simply is not my story and I will not project mine on her, she is too pure, as am I. This is not a good-bye to my father, this is just a “Hello” to me. I love you, Dad. Accepting and forgiving, is my truth. Contempt prior to investigation has been carefully replaced with overdue empathy and the timing has me perfectly satisfied.
Monthly Archives: September 2013
The Tell~Kell Heart~
The flow of love, the eternal heartbeat of my vessel. I am on this course with destiny. The truth of my existence, the purpose of my participation in the human race. Worth the thought and furthermore action. The feeling of life, “catching the buzz” has always been a need for me. The heartbeat of connection. Cupid must be my homeboy. I have come to this place within, that understanding love is not necessary, I just love. I need to feel it, experience it, grow from it. The facts are not important to me any longer. Unrequited love. It is an impossible experience, because loving always has a huge return. It’s own reward. The levels of heart to heart exchange happen daily for me. In written form, in physical, emotional. mental and Spiritual. In my opinion the greatest form of all. Now romantic love, that is entirely different, based on expectation. I go into this promise with myself that knowing, ” The heart wants, what the heart wants.” That longing of a human connection of fairy tale and reality. The perception of pleasure that last into a “Happily ever after” I can get caught up in that feeling just writing about it. I had to spend a week in the coronary care unit to recover from a car accident. My chest had hit the steering wheel and my seat belt added more pressure as a result of impact. It was one of those accidents that you realize just how the term,” seconds and inches”, mean everything. I would love to tell you, it was in that moment I awakened with the purpose of loving. Not my revelation. It is true though, I was in a state of grace for a period of time. Then as life took over, so did I. My devotion to loving is quite different in this place of time. Genuinely heartfelt, I am cloaked in this magical dipping sauce of “I love you, regardless. Now, liking still has its challenges, another blog, another time. For now though from heartbeat to heartbeat to skip and catch up, my heart fills with the feeling of loving you is it’s mission and loving myself, is it’s only requirement.
The Ultimate Buzz~
Sharing life with the soulful~Buzz, I have learned so much, to throw myself into love, to lay down and nap when I feel the need. To play in a moments notice. It is so funny to me how my life has become an embrace of puppy culture and my own. Buzz is my Indian dog, or Native dog, if I choose to be politically correct. Although he is a Maltese mix, “he is more snips and snails and puppy dog tails.” Buzz can do “Hips don’t lie” like he is Shakira. The dance of: You’re home! You are the love of my life! Where have you been? When you simply went into the next room. I know that kind of love may alarm some. For me, I want to love the world like that. To see everyone as he does his family. He has taught me to receive my inner puppy. That ability to give it all and not hold back. The miracle in this bond is I am allergic to pet hair, I become covered in welts, I itch, I turn red, my breathing becomes labored. All that changed days after we met. He was being trained by my daughter and I was only concerned with how I was affected by his presence in our lives. The Ultimate I. Buzz E., middle name Elvis, he is from Las Vegas after all. Found on the streets of the North side and brought to the Hospital my daughter administers. No name, no chip, matted, scared and sweet. We became connected by heartstrings tied in a double knot and he has become my Master Shifu, I, his Kung Fu Panda. Everything I have learned about love these past two years has been molded by this four~pawed wonder and because of him I crave a different kind of Buzz…
Kikiji~
Meditation, my spiritual prescription of medicating. It is always a magical elixir for my soul. Abundance is abundance, is abundance. “Every decision you make today is a choice between a grievance and a miracle” Davidji . I am aware every great thought and intention has come to me in those moments of silence, the inhale and exhale of spirit. The primordial ooze of connection. It is where I conceptualize my existence. This boundless link of love. Recently my past was doing a leap-frog into my present. A lifeline of muck, released into a new freedom. It’s like when you go to the beach and you stand in front of that vast ocean bringing in sand, taking it out, lapping and caressing the shoreline. Both needing the other. Some grains remain, but the ocean will always reach back for it and the sand will be willing to embrace it. What a love story. I just have to remind myself with everything there is that knowing. If it was possible then, it is possible now. So the choice, the decision the breath of the Universe, the essential state of unlimited love. Is just to be free of the hold of regret, free of anything that keeps me separate from the circle of community. Meditation was once described to me as an expression of prayer, In prayer we speak, in meditation we listen. This is what I know, when I wholeheartedly give myself over to the practice of being one with the absolute, I am in the realm of spirit. The place where the substance of stuff, become the substance of soul. The breath of life, the cradle of completeness.
The Dawn of Inception~
I find myself at a beginning in the middle of my life. When I was young, I was defiantly Kelly. Simply Courageous. Fearless in Nature. I truly knew, believed and breathed my birthright. I am not certain when it changed. I just knew it had. More importantly, I find myself in a tête-à-tête with destiny and I hear myself. The great regret would be not to listen. Truly it is my path, no one else, can walk it for me. For a portion of my life I howled at the moon. The louder, the better. I screamed to be heard. In many ways, that child has remained intact. No regrets. Just an introduction of self. This one, my greatest, for it will be without attachment. I will rely on one source and I believe. Being alert in my truth, how that sounds like such a huge undertaking and yet willingness has landed in my lap. The graduation of my success. Defined by me, a true liberation, again a spiritual dance and the music, the heartbeat of mother earth, the drum of continuity and a flute that sings like the sweetest bird. I rejoice and embrace my choice, for I have always proclaimed, “the choices we make, dictate the life that we lead.” When the heart speaks, the extraction of self-doubt has commenced. Life has new meaning and as sure as every story has an ending. A beginning appears on the horizon. On your mark, get set, go!
Unmasked by Hope 