Baring my soul has become a personal evolution. Exposed to the reality of my thoughts. Discarding old beliefs, once living with the identity of a masquerade. A desperate attempt of wanting to be anyone but who I was. As I grow into my truth and unravel my will of want. Clinging to the hope of acceptance. Recently, it came full force like an asteroid. A destruction of the deep tissue that holds my heart. A promise was made and like a bright-eyed child, I believed. I threw myself into the words spoken. It was everything I ever wanted to hear and I felt each word like one takes in oxygen. With each inhale it filled every empty spot within my soul. It touched me so subtly, I was enveloped in promise. All the while secretly uneasy of the sweet taste of hope. Treachery is like that. There are moments in my writing, I collapse at the notion, am I really here again. This rewind of mind. It is in those words, I get, I am right where I am supposed to be. There is no huge hurdle to leap, no deep ocean to swim and certainly no trail so rocky, that, I can’t slowly wade or walk out of. Fear is irrelevant. Life has challenges and it also has this range of beauty that I have found to illuminate my soul. I am so perfectly human, I have yet to determine a remedy for my feelings. The exposure of soul, my enlightened place of the one on one. My aim, occasionally gets met with mockery. I naturally feel bruised. It’s just this, I continue to be naked to reality. I have a desire to enrich my thoughts with love and to pour that goodness all over the people I meet. Not to be phony, to be who I believe I am intended to be. For my coat of armor has miraculously fallen to the floor and crashed its last clang of doom. Yes, my cloak of skin, free of all barriers and exposed to the touch of sunlight, moonlight and starlight. Even more relevant for me, the vulnerability of trust. Sunscreen not required.
Monthly Archives: January 2014
Neutral versus Nature~
The persistent battle of what I am and what I want to be. Suddenly within a moment of awareness, it comes and sits on your chest like an elephant in the room. I was having a tête-à-tête with one of the loves of my life, my teenage grandson, Daniel. Through his magic, I am capable of further developing mine. I also become increasingly conscious of the now. Our exchange started quite innocently and in the midst of purity here it comes wielding a relentless truth. My truth. The subject, girls. It has always been clear to me, that having a son would be my undoing, when I say that, I mean his. I have always considered myself a girls, girl. A defender of estrogen. In the sweet moment of our exchange, that false reality unfolded, which really was my mouth overcome with a backlash of verbal vomit of my subordinate sex. My target anything in a skirt. Oh, how, I felt the quicksand bubbling up from the earth, with each word, my ego smashing reality. From my sinking feet, with a glub, glub here and a glub, glub, there.” You don’t need a girlfriend, listen to me”. As that last word was formed and spoken, I heard it. I spun around like a top and viewed the other half of my triangle of connection, Kit. Had she heard me? Fore, I had. My coming to terms with who I am in the moment has been an obvious eye opener. It has given me the opportunity to see how I truly put the brakes on my own growth, how I relate the make up of man versus woman and honestly, Kelly versus Kelly. Every word spoken is just an extension of how I see myself. Exclusively, how I see my contribution to the relationship with me and others. I have a lot to learn, at the heart of it all, it comes back to am I enough? That tenacious question I ask myself, the total disregard of esteem. It came to me as I exerted my will of alleged wisdom. Gratefully as I spoke I could see only me and I could honestly answer, I am quite ignorant in my answers. Forgive me. My natural response to correct my shortcomings is my greatest contribution and once again, I am out of park, far from drive and idling well in neutral.
Unmasked by Hope 