Neutral versus Nature~

The persistent battle of what I am and what I want to be.  Suddenly within a moment of awareness, it comes and sits on your chest like an elephant in the room.  I was having a tête-à-tête with one of the loves of my life, my teenage grandson, Daniel. Through his magic, I am capable of further developing mine. I also become increasingly conscious of the now. Our exchange started quite innocently and in the midst of purity here it comes wielding a relentless truth. My truth. The subject, girls. It has always been clear to me, that having a son would be my undoing, when I say that, I mean his. I have always considered myself a girls, girl.  A defender of estrogen. In the sweet moment of our exchange, that false reality unfolded, which really was my mouth overcome with a backlash of verbal vomit of my subordinate sex. My target anything in a skirt. Oh, how, I  felt the quicksand bubbling up from the earth, with each word, my ego smashing reality.  From my sinking feet, with a glub, glub here and a glub, glub, there.”  You don’t need a girlfriend, listen to me”.  As that last word was formed and spoken, I heard it. I spun around like a top and viewed the other half of my triangle of connection, Kit. Had she heard me? Fore, I had. My coming to terms with who I am in the moment has been an obvious eye opener. It has given me the opportunity to see how I truly put the brakes on my own growth, how I relate the make up of man versus woman and honestly, Kelly versus Kelly. Every word spoken is just an extension of how I see myself. Exclusively, how I see my contribution to the relationship with me and others.  I have a lot to learn, at the heart of it all, it comes back to am I enough? That tenacious question I ask myself, the total disregard of esteem. It came to me as I exerted my will of alleged wisdom. Gratefully as I spoke I could see only me and I could honestly answer, I am quite ignorant in my answers. Forgive me. My natural response to correct my shortcomings is my greatest contribution and once again, I am out of park,  far from drive and idling well in neutral.

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