Parallels of Peril~

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I’d sugar coat a cobra. It’s my fang.

As I take out the trash, lifting it up I noticed something on my arm, I am forming a bicep. So on the side of the hacienda I did a pose down. A shadow dance with the sun and my new form. I’m clear, I’m getting stronger.

I have been given many gifts over the years. In this moment I am blessed to remember, “Everything is none of my business.” and gossip is truly a spiritual defect to my soul. When I judge you, I have put myself in the position of perfection however, what I know is I have become skilled in progress. I know that.

Many days I fall short of the leaps I take toward balance. Today I missed puddles of skimmed surface chatter and was mindful of my thoughts, ever mindful that it was tête-à-tête between my own Sylvester Sneekly and Fair Maiden, Kiki.

The only risk I take is allowing others to see me as human as possible. Prior to finding my truth I would have considered my exposure of self a grave consequence. Feelings are often met with fear with most people I encounter. My desire is that with the veil lifted, our tête-à-tête will be no longer the masking tape of secrets, instead the unmasking of hope.

A design of mind, not a chorus of ominous music played out as I’m tied to the railroad tracks of life. The only one galloping in to save me is the balance of truth.

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Know-no~

Often I am off the beam when it comes to “no” and “knowing”.

I can see when a power greater than I must grab a box of popcorn and watch the know show.

It’s clear I’m being routed the opposite direction and here I am trying to re-arrange the strange. I love the odd.

Let’s just give it another go. It’s clear to me in writing that I create all forms of letting go. It’s that whole “Are you a quitter, Kelly? Come on get back here and take it like a champ! My Rocky mentality continues to climb back in the ring and prance around, shuffling my feet. It actually is it’s own remake.

I look forward to the day when I am presented with the belt and I quietly say, “I’m sorry, the belt just doesn’t fit me anymore.”

It’s simply this: I often think because I don’t physically get beat and outwardly I don’t look worse for wear I’m not actually fighting. Resistance is actually manifesting discomfort and that is it’s own glorious invitation to another level of understanding myself.

The gifts of grace… an honor has been bestowed on me to look within, to see myself in others and really, that is my inner struggle. When I give up on you, I believe I’m giving up on me. Knowing the difference is always a balancing act for me… until I can dismount the know from the no, I will continue to carry it.

As I referee this match within myself, I continue to become aware. The question I must ask of myself is, “What are you getting out of this?” The answer is only I don’t know when I don’t want to be told no.

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Bomb Dignity~

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Inherent Nobility, let’s explore. I find myself searching and digging- okay, clawing my way to a place of grace. A place of goodness and honor. The “Vulturous Virtue” Award goes to… _____. Seriously I can picture it in my mind. I’m weather-beaten and torn. A rapacious predator seeking the qualities I endear and hold close to my heart.

Then the flip-side. There is always two sides of the coin. The “I just want to spill it out”- a wordy projectile-vomit of words, blame, anger and defeat.

In reality there are no winners here. No losers either if I am honest. The love remains, it most certainly does. I’m still lovable and the key to this locked thought is allowing the feelings to surface and flow.

I’m really not at a place to figure out the lesson, because I’m in the midst of mastering it. In the past I have at times been a slave to my emotions and that will not be the case. No more. I’ve stated my intent and let that be spiraled up to consciousness.

The veil has not yet lifted and the heart is beating at optimum strength. I am strong. It comes with the blood. The rebound maybe a bit slow. Clearly though I bounce back.

The need for an explosive reaction remains. Of course it does, it’s an old reliable tool. In the text of, “and there you are, I was wondering what took you so long” In this age of new awareness it’s reliable yes, but not necessary. The familiar will combust and I can walk away undetonated.

Bomb Squad unnecessary.

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Chain, Chain, Change~

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The reinvention of self. Often I can be caught in a paradigm. I’m all for evolving but I’d rather it was on my terms- it usually never is.

I’m trying to recall in the midst of this sequence what was the catalyst of this chain reaction? The succession of links. What was once the promise of security and tied together in promise has dissolved into a shackle of strings no longer melded into one conjoined clump. No longer connected.

You see the train derailing… driven by a collision of many objects laying on the tracks. In this existing stage the wreckage is my heart. My self worth and confidence open to be rummaged through.

Each stage, another departure, another rupture, and knowing, clearly knowing, a breakthrough will come. It always has, therefore it always will. As they say, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. What if? Perhaps, I am both student and teacher. That I can be, wait…. I am the captain of my own ship, I steer my own course, even from the backseat. Regardless of placement.

I move forward, or backward, even sideways. My point is this… what comes out of the ash, what rises from self-destruction is self-expression giving way to self-acceptance. The relation and bond of heart and hope, coupled together as one.

Links of love. Hoists of connection.

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Remnant-sance~

Often I find myself in a position of powerlessness. Extended acceptance.

I get to see the dignity of turning over yet another situation that is completely out of my realm of responsibility…

Realm of responsibility.

How funny.

I used to get into trouble for acting out of that realm. Pro-active as a negative. I certainly have doses of irony.

In many instances of chance, I haven’t been given the opportunity to close doors in my terms. Closure has never been a “slamming it shut.” On my side of the door anyways. So I revisit and hope to put a sealant around the emotion. Rewriting and perhaps absolving my role in the outcome. Thus finally removing the ache.

A simple question asked- (one I have yet to answer) “What do you want?” My answers all leading back to the serenity of others, giving way to my own. So the answer, not quite an answer based in self. The answer based in the turning of pages, leading to closing chapters and putting away books. A book of life, love and letting go.

Hence. it always comes back to this… I often feel as if the answer must be one I am willing to live the rest of my life with. In reality, can I- live a day with it? Yes I can. Yes I will.

In the clearing, these hazy days of oncoming summer, It’s toasty here. I see that even in uncertainty, I have a sense of calm within the confusion. As I place one foot in front of the other in the dance of delight, the dance is now one of determination.

As part of me beckons to finally lay to rest this chapter, the renaissance of the heart, the revival of what could have been will always possibly linger and the residue of “what if’s” must equally be put to rest.

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Womb~(ded)~

The unwrapping of the wound often hurts more than the initial cut.

Lately I’ve had the opportunity to really dive into my belief system. As I grow, the gifts keep revealing themselves; sometimes with a tone of misplaced or misdirected anger.

I can either remove myself from the situation or I can become transfixed in the role of the wounded.

There is no truth in being in that anger, only a desire to fill a void of long ago. What is the sense in that?

The presence of the moment unveil an awareness of beginning. So many times my development has relied on the opinion of others- that my existence was so fetal. I was remiss to the truth of my birth.

I was told the other day by a wise soul to really listen to what people are saying. They are giving you an insight to who they truly are. Those words an onset to a labor of love.

The agreement of contract. I believed my fate was detailed in the hands of many and not my own. There is truth in that if I choose to live that concept with a closed mind. I know for me, nothing is permanently shut. Usually doors come with locks and windows have latches, they all come with keys or the ability to open.

The moment I slam shut a belief it will usually visit me in another form. For me to discard that at this time in my life seems thoughtless. So I peer and stretch the site line. I expand and unfold. Embracing what nurtures me and the critic’s, my thoughts are gently put to rest as they should be.

I reside in love and truth be told if I don’t love those moments of doubt, of discussion, I discount their place. The comfort of release and the heartbreak of holding on.

From womb to wonder…

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Per-Poised~

Unbalanced to balance.

The beginning of every day starts with a concession of allowing yesterday’s lingering thoughts to carry over into today’s gift.

It’s that whole teeter-thoughter entering my realm of reality. I’ve coined the phrase. I created it, so why not? It accompanies me through my mind-field..step, step… boom.

Today’s awareness, What you have seen in meditation books- It gives you a thought for the day and then tells you what you’re aware of. I call it believe-washing. It’s like a Zombie Peter Pan. The need to feed in the believing brain. I believe…I believe. A pattern of purpose.

I know for me I use to wonder, what’s that? Only to find it’s a feeling tied to an emotion topped with a scoop of sarcasm and washed down with a gulp of terror.

As minutes roll into hours and then days into weeks. etc…I find myself no longer having the decision made for me on what my awarenesses will be or who will decide how I will feel. So enters the calm. No storm necessary to follow.

I am the cultivator of my own awareness. Calm is a condition of peace. I am learning and becoming poised rather than possessed. Often I come up with a theory that it’s a long time coming. When really, it’s exactly on time. A second sooner and it may have whirled on by.

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