Minus Hero~

Sub~Hero actually, in the sense I have come to realize that I have always looked for someone else to guide my steps, my thoughts, my decisions, my well-being, I have left it up to another. These cherished souls of substance. I can tell you where it began and just where it shall end. I jump ahead. Let’s mosey on back to my beginning. I would have to say my first Hero was the carrier of Kiki, the extraordinary vessel, my mother, Catherine. A true Iron Butterfly. She just might be why I collect them. Her strength and grace had always captured my attention. I know all my siblings have different stories and experiences they could share. All eloquent and stirring, that is a remarkable accomplishment on its own.  Mine is this, she grew up on a reservation in Anadarko Oklahoma. With many siblings, she was terminally ill all of her life although you would never have known it. Instead of accepting her diagnoses she went on to become a member of the Native American Women’s Hall of Fame.  Then my Father, the war hero, next my brother, would capture that role in my eye. Funny outgoing, handsome, smart. Then my sister Anna, the gentlewoman, to Kimberly, the great communicator. There were many after, their names changed from hero to mentor. Then, KC, my reason to be. Then, The Knight in shining armor. To the newest transformation. An exploration of pure spirit and unbelievable perception, The Prince. Finally my fondest pint-sized pistol. Kit. I would love to tell you I have always held to a reliance on the creator. It just isn’t so. I believe the creator speaks to me through the words of others and many times through the simple quiet moments between breaths. Be still and know I am God. That always brings me comfort. My discovery is this. Until recently, when one of my heroes had to fly the coop. In my mind, I was without a safety net. Faith to me comes in many forms, usually with a heartbeat. I chuckle as I write this, because it’s honest and it’s real. It is me!  Brave with back up. Independent with dependence. It’s those undeniable moments when you see yourself and it’s not in despair or disgust, an unfolding of truth is simply a triumph of spirit. I was taken back in time, to a memory. Wednesday morning in Riverside. Over Twenty years ago. I was driving to a gathering of the Sage. Before me was a detour in the road. I found myself lost in my own little town and I was struggling to find my way out of this maze I had created.  I begged for clarity, in another turn and I was there, even still so very far from my destination. I ran inside, visibly shaken.  I described my feelings of fear. It was met with such comfort and compassion. I felt loved. I had a similar experience recently, I had ventured out and found myself in unfamiliar surroundings. I was frightened, my discovery so subtle, yet so huge. Everyday I find myself becoming more Courageous, with that comes freedom.  I can look beyond and place a title on you, so I don’t have to accept responsibility for me.  What I know, is this, you can’t play today’s game on yesterdays hits. It’s not who wins, it’s who enters the Colosseum of life. As I take in the vast experience, the gift of self, it registers. I have become my own Infinity~hero. The gentle roar you hear is the lioness returning to her Zen.

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