I found a hidden part of myself when our paths crossed. Sometimes our tête-à-tête have resulted in a primrose path and other times a warpath, I use that only to make you smile. Destiny defined as fate, a predetermined future, a concept based on belief there is a fixed natural order to the cosmos. The truth of that is of another time and place. Let’s unravel this. You were aware of our first intersecting path long before I. You, a seventh grade munchkin, the junior high prince. I, an eighth grade misfit, unaware of anything, except a deep inner pain, masked by anger and an intense need to be invisible. Regardless of that, you saw me. It speaks of the person you are. The humanitarian boy wonder even at the tender age of adolescence. As time marches on, as it will always do, you will search for your place in the world and I will find mine. After endless roads, highways and trails we would meet again, not as formidable opponents like so many of the arrangements of life. This is a relationship born in the truest form of kindness and grace. Over the years, I have been given the opportunity to forge friendships and meet people. Usually, for me there was this necessity to be the trombone of the orchestra. upset the fluidity of the strings. It simply is what it is. Finally as all that was removed I found my true nature, the flute. Your sonnet speaks so truthfully, one finds themselves listening free of intent or judgement. A gift of your faith and experience. With life in session we find ourselves in the most unforeseen and unfathomable events. You have lent me your ear in moments of tragedy, happiness, loneliness and joy. You have played endless games of silliness with my grandchild through laughter and disappointment. Even through your greatest despair as she reached out to console you, you found it in your finest moment of our friendship to console her. It is a testimony of your Tao that you have the capacity to make a child feel she is your equal and consider you one of her friends. None of those actions have gone unnoticed or unseen. Your place in my life will forever be inscribed as one of infinite measure. As I am humbled in prayer in the silence what comes to me are these words, “This is my beloved Son in whom I am well-pleased.”
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Mind over Scatter~
Thoughts the most powerful definition of mind control. I use to believe thinking was trouble . In reality, my actions were the source of my path to discovery. I have this friend , she use say, there is no right or wrong, there just is. It certainly is a hard concept to embrace. I accept it today. The Universe hears your intention. The thought of that, is mind-blowing. Therefore keeping my head clean has its challenge. Me! Only me. Not anyone else. Powerful indeed. I tend to embrace , what I like to call, the deliberation detective. The thinking too much, the searching for hidden thought clues. A grown up version of blues clues. Not as cute, although quite child-like. The clues are as simple as, What does that mean? You look beautiful today! What? Was I not beautiful yesterday? I love you! Well, that’s not a good example. cause that just makes me thought, less. The need for a quiet head is essential for me as breathing. The scatter sucks me in as quickly as a Dyson. The whirl, the spin and the sprout of endless thought seeds. Which gives way to suspect, disbelief and distrust in myself. Which in the relationship of I, always places blame within. Worse yet, looks as if I am placing blame on others and that only leads to here it comes, drum roll. cymbals crashing. Victim. ewww, yuck. It is, what it is. Now, on to the hope. It really is what it is, when you are willing to look at it and change your thought pattern with meditation, for me the only form of freedom that works. The time spent saves my soul and the backlash of toe stomping hoards. Dramatic effect. So back to the ohm of it all and a little bit of Namaste’ in my life. My inner and outer Polly Anna restored. Bliss has returned to my happy head, also known as peace of mind.
Premature Indignation~
It happens. My Dad, use to say, “If you’re so happy, why don’t you tell it to your face?” Always funny when he was making a quip at someone else. When directed towards me, wow, “put the burn.” He was very quick-witted and just plain funny. I am my father’s daughter indeed. Once swift to form an opinion and sudden to feel badly for that shortcoming and so slow on the withdrawal. Oh, I would spend endless hours with him, sometimes by choice, other times because I am his namesake. He was tall, dark and handsome, charismatic, and just bigger than life. He was my magnet. It has always lead back to Daddy. I can wish all I want to be like my mother, for she was the presence of the creator in human form. Grace in motion, Wind-walker personified. It was to high a mountain to climb to be gentle like she was. So my heart, happiness and passion belonged to my Dad. The absolute of it all. I watched his every move, with her, her every breath. I can, to this day be so still and in my head, he will lead me. Now, finally I find myself at another awareness, letting go, yet again. Am I really a product of my environment? Or is that a way of absolving my actions. My truth is this until I let go and let Glenda, I am stuck in being like Glen and not authentic me. Today, my inclination was just to get out and run until I could hardly breathe. I embraced an old hurt in GrandKit form. It simply is not my story and I will not project mine on her, she is too pure, as am I. This is not a good-bye to my father, this is just a “Hello” to me. I love you, Dad. Accepting and forgiving, is my truth. Contempt prior to investigation has been carefully replaced with overdue empathy and the timing has me perfectly satisfied.
The Tell~Kell Heart~
The flow of love, the eternal heartbeat of my vessel. I am on this course with destiny. The truth of my existence, the purpose of my participation in the human race. Worth the thought and furthermore action. The feeling of life, “catching the buzz” has always been a need for me. The heartbeat of connection. Cupid must be my homeboy. I have come to this place within, that understanding love is not necessary, I just love. I need to feel it, experience it, grow from it. The facts are not important to me any longer. Unrequited love. It is an impossible experience, because loving always has a huge return. It’s own reward. The levels of heart to heart exchange happen daily for me. In written form, in physical, emotional. mental and Spiritual. In my opinion the greatest form of all. Now romantic love, that is entirely different, based on expectation. I go into this promise with myself that knowing, ” The heart wants, what the heart wants.” That longing of a human connection of fairy tale and reality. The perception of pleasure that last into a “Happily ever after” I can get caught up in that feeling just writing about it. I had to spend a week in the coronary care unit to recover from a car accident. My chest had hit the steering wheel and my seat belt added more pressure as a result of impact. It was one of those accidents that you realize just how the term,” seconds and inches”, mean everything. I would love to tell you, it was in that moment I awakened with the purpose of loving. Not my revelation. It is true though, I was in a state of grace for a period of time. Then as life took over, so did I. My devotion to loving is quite different in this place of time. Genuinely heartfelt, I am cloaked in this magical dipping sauce of “I love you, regardless. Now, liking still has its challenges, another blog, another time. For now though from heartbeat to heartbeat to skip and catch up, my heart fills with the feeling of loving you is it’s mission and loving myself, is it’s only requirement.
The Ultimate Buzz~
Sharing life with the soulful~Buzz, I have learned so much, to throw myself into love, to lay down and nap when I feel the need. To play in a moments notice. It is so funny to me how my life has become an embrace of puppy culture and my own. Buzz is my Indian dog, or Native dog, if I choose to be politically correct. Although he is a Maltese mix, “he is more snips and snails and puppy dog tails.” Buzz can do “Hips don’t lie” like he is Shakira. The dance of: You’re home! You are the love of my life! Where have you been? When you simply went into the next room. I know that kind of love may alarm some. For me, I want to love the world like that. To see everyone as he does his family. He has taught me to receive my inner puppy. That ability to give it all and not hold back. The miracle in this bond is I am allergic to pet hair, I become covered in welts, I itch, I turn red, my breathing becomes labored. All that changed days after we met. He was being trained by my daughter and I was only concerned with how I was affected by his presence in our lives. The Ultimate I. Buzz E., middle name Elvis, he is from Las Vegas after all. Found on the streets of the North side and brought to the Hospital my daughter administers. No name, no chip, matted, scared and sweet. We became connected by heartstrings tied in a double knot and he has become my Master Shifu, I, his Kung Fu Panda. Everything I have learned about love these past two years has been molded by this four~pawed wonder and because of him I crave a different kind of Buzz…
Kikiji~
Meditation, my spiritual prescription of medicating. It is always a magical elixir for my soul. Abundance is abundance, is abundance. “Every decision you make today is a choice between a grievance and a miracle” Davidji . I am aware every great thought and intention has come to me in those moments of silence, the inhale and exhale of spirit. The primordial ooze of connection. It is where I conceptualize my existence. This boundless link of love. Recently my past was doing a leap-frog into my present. A lifeline of muck, released into a new freedom. It’s like when you go to the beach and you stand in front of that vast ocean bringing in sand, taking it out, lapping and caressing the shoreline. Both needing the other. Some grains remain, but the ocean will always reach back for it and the sand will be willing to embrace it. What a love story. I just have to remind myself with everything there is that knowing. If it was possible then, it is possible now. So the choice, the decision the breath of the Universe, the essential state of unlimited love. Is just to be free of the hold of regret, free of anything that keeps me separate from the circle of community. Meditation was once described to me as an expression of prayer, In prayer we speak, in meditation we listen. This is what I know, when I wholeheartedly give myself over to the practice of being one with the absolute, I am in the realm of spirit. The place where the substance of stuff, become the substance of soul. The breath of life, the cradle of completeness.
The Dawn of Inception~
I find myself at a beginning in the middle of my life. When I was young, I was defiantly Kelly. Simply Courageous. Fearless in Nature. I truly knew, believed and breathed my birthright. I am not certain when it changed. I just knew it had. More importantly, I find myself in a tête-à-tête with destiny and I hear myself. The great regret would be not to listen. Truly it is my path, no one else, can walk it for me. For a portion of my life I howled at the moon. The louder, the better. I screamed to be heard. In many ways, that child has remained intact. No regrets. Just an introduction of self. This one, my greatest, for it will be without attachment. I will rely on one source and I believe. Being alert in my truth, how that sounds like such a huge undertaking and yet willingness has landed in my lap. The graduation of my success. Defined by me, a true liberation, again a spiritual dance and the music, the heartbeat of mother earth, the drum of continuity and a flute that sings like the sweetest bird. I rejoice and embrace my choice, for I have always proclaimed, “the choices we make, dictate the life that we lead.” When the heart speaks, the extraction of self-doubt has commenced. Life has new meaning and as sure as every story has an ending. A beginning appears on the horizon. On your mark, get set, go!
A tête-à-tête on the Mount~
The egads and the attitudes, I have lived to express my anger and surprise. An affirmation of my opinion. Who will have the last word? The adjustment of attitude had not presented itself yet. I had often begat an idea of discourse, really I have looked and delved into why I would want to father such expression of myself. The belief of it is not who I am, it is what I do, can not possibly ring true. I have to step outside that notion, for my actions show me, the reality of my footprints. The smudged fingerprints on the hurt feelings of my fellows. What rings in my head is the saying, “We just aren’t that good at being, that bad.” How those few words have spun a golden thread out of straw. A beginning of Beatitudes. A lifting of the veil of secrecy. I have set course on a trek of tiny steps, long strides, skips in motion and a full on run into leaps of love. Was it easy? Nope.. Was it worth it? Yeah.. To abandon myself from habits of escape has been a birth of belief in Spirit. A promise of hope. A beloved transformation of soul-searching. I am far from finished, but all paths are open for exploration. Will I trip, probably, missteps are inevitable for me. It has been a pre-requisite for the course study, in the salvation of Kiki. The persecution from my own thoughts leading into “The law of life.” The great fact is this, “If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world.” A sermon of service. My affirmation of resurrection. Thee attitude of love.
The eternal why?
Pillow talk, that intimate exploration between us humans. In our home, pillow talk is not just a man and woman. It is a parent and child. A grandchild and grandparent and a magical pup and his pets, for he is the true master. Our common ground, our bed. It is reminiscent of the marriage bed. A union of all. Ultimately we all gather there. Priceless instruction. If you ask those close to me, I have this fire in my belly, unlike heartburn it is as if, I was an ask-hole. I persistently have a burning desire to ask the question. My need to know. You ask a question, I need to know with a question. Why? My sister compares it to a scene out of the movie Pillow talk. Tony Randall is having a conversation with Rock Hudson. He is trying to convince him of the union of marriage. To each point, the counter point of why? Tony Randall eventually gives up and states, “Well, if you want to, you can find tricky arguments against anything.” I am sure it is a deeper why? For me, it is really about checking out of intimacy. I truly have found it to be a reliable form of communication. When the spoken word is necessary. The wonderful ability of knowing who you are and the realization of making the change. I share a bulk of knowledge on the subject of looking within. I know, no greater source of inspiration than seeing myself for who I am. It use to be the bogeyman. The dark entryway to the unknown. I know of nothing worse than not knowing me, not accepting me, for me. I recall, having a tete-a-tete with myself, I was as insightful as all get out. What does that really mean? See I form a question. I just have to laugh. Back to my point. I was so afraid to look. What would I find? I heard myself say, “It is not what they see, that will transform you to love. It is those moments we see ourselves within our soul. For beauty lies in the beholder.” Then I knew, I behold my soul, I answer my own question within. Simply, intimately, like laying my head on a perfectly plump, cool pillow, suddenly the why is the definitive reason. The discussions of a lifetime, the spiritual flow of conversation born in knowing exactly where I rest my head. Pass the pillow and let’s talk.
When Sally, met Harry~
My Life lessons on the relationship with words, men, women and the classic man versus woman. Less is more, surrender to win, first things first and my all time favorite, keep it simple, sweetness! Actually when I was given that acronym, K-I-S-S, it was keep it simple, stupid. Now. Who wants to hear that? My sister, Kimberly, (a perfect Sally) use to say, “That’s just ignorance” She would go on to explain that ignorance is not stupidity, it is, lacking knowledge of something specified. I always learn something with Kimberly. Now, in a conversation with Harry. It’s along the lines of contempt prior to investigation. For example, I won’t try certain things, so I make the remark, I don’t like it. Which is almost always met with “Don’t knock it if you’ve never tried it.” Oh yes, that is going to change my mind, instantly. I balked at the idea of compromise. Without pretense, I am nothing, if not sincere. I had a bit of an edge with Harry’s and sometimes still. I recall listening to an acquaintance. She was talking about a conversation with her Harry, he referred to her as one-dimensional. It was rather a mis-step on his part. Bad cha-cha, no tango for him. She was a clever Sally, educated, a teacher. She played this card game with the Harry’s. She would walk like a little girl and suck on her finger. The Harry’s were helpless. So in front of us all, she called him out, in a coyish way. She proclaimed, “I wish, I had an edge” Then went on to repeat her conversation, quite cleverly, not mentioning Harry. I glance in Harry’s direction, he is clueless, or worse (Gasp) could care less. My turn to speak, I knew, what I was about to say. Now, let’s be clear, coquettish, I am not. If I sucked my thumb, I’d just look like Baby Huey. Plus playing small has never been my thing. I am tall, blonde, snap, crackle, pop. (Again, thank you Kimberly) But Harry needed to be blasted. It’s what Sally’s need to do. “The sisterhood of Sally’s” was at stake. I, though played it another way, for you must have the other Harry’s on board as well. A Sharon Stone move, with panty. No real ice pick. Just to hurt his feelings a bit. Make him whimper. He asked for it. I say to her, “Oh darling, you don’t want an edge, I have an edge. Their rough and jagged and you can cut yourself on it. You spend your life trying to smooth it out or trying to jump off of it. Be you, stay you, trust you” Then I gently pass the baton to a Harry. Giving her the edge of empathy, crushing her Harry’s fragile ego. The dance of duality. Two parts of a whole. Gratefully, time gently marches on for all the Harry’s and us Sally’s. You learn, you grow and you love. There is never mediocre love, love is love. Whether, it’s Sally or Harry. It is human to human, soul to soul, when given encouragement and understanding the introduction of a lifetime.
Unmasked by Hope 